The orgasm gap refers to the statistical fact that in heterosexual couples, women orgasm way less often than men.
This means, it has something to do with the dynamic of men and women having sex. It’s not the female body. Because lesbian couples do not have this gap. And women come way more easy when they self pleasure than when being with a man.
So what’s the reason?
Let’s dive into all the different factors that contribute to this problem, so we can close this gap and make this world more orgasmic for everyone.
Sadly, the main reason is a lack of knowledge of female sexuality – both in men and women. Lesbians seem to have understood it better how our sexuality works.
So…We live in the 21st century. We´ve been to the moon. We can clone. We can videocall in real time from one end of earth to another. Yet we still don´t understand how female pleasure works? Really? Excuse me? Most couples don’t know how to make the woman come as often as he does?
I mean what the actual f? And it´s not even that being woman is like a very rare disease that only very few people ever research because there´s just not so many of them. No, we make up 50% of the world population for MILLIONS OF YEARS. We are currently around 4 billion females on this planet. Can we take a moment to really let this settle in our minds? How absolutely freaking ridiculous this is?
So in millions of years, with billions of women walking and having walked this planet, we still haven’t figured out how to have sex so that both can come?
There’s a system and reasons behind this suppression, but that’s something for another post.
So if anyone ever asks why humanity need sex coaching – this is one of many reasons why.
Honestly, this makes me really sad. Most of my life I was also one of the women saying “oh I don’t NEED to come, you know. It’s already really satisfying if he comes.” And it’s just “normal” that he comes every time and she doesn´t, right?
Let’s stop normalizing women who have given up on their pleasure. Let’s stop normalizing women who people please in bed and put someone else’s pleasure before theirs. Let’s stop women who make themselves small and play down their desires.
Would you say: I’m okay with my best friend eating chocolate cake. It already makes me happy when she eats it – I don’t even have to have a piece?
No you wouldn’t. So why would you say this with sex and orgasms?
But let’s make one thing clear before we continue: Sex should never be only about orgasms. Your focus shouldn’t be orgasms. But I think it’s your right that sex feels ORGASMIC to both of you. And that both of you can indulge in orgasms.
Yes, not every time sex will feel absolutely orgasmic. Amazing sex also comes from acknowledging all the other emotions that arise. That’s one of the principles of Tantric sex:
Staying present and connected with what is. Even if that is grief, anger or numbness.
The studies show that the sex IS orgasmic, however just for one part. Which means there’s a lack of connection, knowledge and shared orgasmic pleasure.
Your focus should be on your pleasure, intimacy and connection. And you know what? Orgasms and orgasmic states will be a natural by-product once you do that.
Because let’s face the truth: of course you want to feel orgasmic and experience orgasms!
The reason you tell yourself you don’t “need” orgasms is either because a) you have a conditioned mindset keeping you and your pleasure small and insignificant or b) your orgasmic energy asks for some unblocking so it actually feels satisfying.
Because there are very quick unfulfilling orgasms.
And there are orgasms and orgasmic states that can be life-changing, healing, activating, transcendental experiences that every human on this planet deserves to have on a regular basis. Healing your nervous system, your body, bringing you health and that inner glow and connecting you deeply with yourself, your partner and the magic in this world.
But what is also true: once you focus on wanting that orgasm desperately, it will fleet. Orgasms don’t like pressure or focus. So to experience more orgasms and orgasmic states, you have to first forget about orgasms and simply focus on your pleasure. Which leads me to tip number one to close the orgasm gap between you and your partner:
1. Don’t pressure yourself or your partner to come.
The number one killer of my orgasms used to be the sentence: “oh yes baby, come for me”. That’s when my inner orgasmic rebel says: what? You told me to come? Nah, I’m out.
You might have your own specifics of what makes you feel pressured. If you have a partner that always desperately wants to make you come, that’s a beautiful gesture, but it can put pressure on you. So first step for the best sex and orgasms is to release any pressure and expectations. While still holding the DESIRE to experience more orgasms. But a desire is inviting something lovingly, gently, instead of WANTING it. So turn your wants and needs into sexy desires. Invite orgasms and orgasmic feelings, don’t focus on “achieving” them – which is the worst word in combination with “orgasms”. You don’t achieve or reach orgasms, you open yourself to receive orgasms and invite orgasmic energy to flow through you.
2. Get to know the female body.
I´ve read so much misinformation and half truths about the orgasm gap. Written in big magazines and from so called “sex experts” that have “studied sex and the female body”. Okay, have you studied sex, or have you experienced and actually had amazing sex yourself? Because that’s two very different things.
So what some say is that one of the reasons the orgasm gap exists is that the clitoris is the most important pleasure point in females and it gets neglected. Most women need it to experience orgasms but porn depicts women orgasming without.
Yes, that’s true, but only partly.
It is true that the clitoris plays a big role in female pleasure and gets neglected. It’s the only body part that is solely made for pleasure, pretty cool right? And it’s the female equivalent of the penis.
It’s also true that the way most porn shows female sexuality couldn’t be further from the truth: barely no or no foreplay, quick penetration (often the harder and faster the better) and she will come in 3-4 minutes several times, shooting litres of squirt across the room and you don’t even have to touch her!
That’s pretty much the complete opposite of how women´s bodies work. Obviously if that is what many men (and women) get their sex education from, no wonder women barely come.
No, we don’t come like that. But more on that and what we actually need later.
So those sex expert say that the solution is in working more with the clitoris because women don’t feel as much in their vaginas, their main pleasure point is the clitoris.
And this is where the lack of information comes in.
The truth is that ALL women can feel A LOT of orgasmic pleasure in their vaginas. Every woman can. And I say this as a woman who has never felt much inside her pussy and now can experience the deepest, most fulfilling vaginal orgasms.
(If you want to experience deeper orgasmic pleasure, heal and re-sensitize your vagina, Pussy Heaven might be the right course for you)
And no, I’m not the only one. And you’re also not anatomically different.
Most vaginas are just completely numbed out.
How? Through millions of years in which female pleasure wasn’t even a thing. Centuries and millennia of disconnecting us from our bodies, of suppression of our sexuality, of shaming women´s desires and bodies. There were chastity belts in the Middle Ages. And back then they were no kinky choice, but a symbol of how female sexuality was viewed: our body wasn’t there to give us pleasure, it was there to serve others.
On top of that comes clinical, traumatizing childbirth experiences. Medical trauma like IUDs that are inserted, surgeries and the regular visit to the obgyn. Sexual trauma, harassment and feeling unsafe in our female bodies. Letting someone enter us way too early, when we’re not ready – I haven’t met one women in my life who didn’t experience this.
So if you grew up in this world, you must have had a lot of luck or an amazingly sex-positive and safe environment if you have never experienced any stress or trauma in regards to your female body and sexuality. And every single one of those experiences can make your body shut down.
Your pussy is so wise. She protects herself through not feeling. Just like your heart can protect itself through putting on an armor after too many heartbreaks, your pussy does the same.
Numb vaginas are a trauma response, not a normalcy. We live in an epidemic of traumatizied female bodies and pussies. So much that we normalize not feeling much. We normalize that we don’t feel orgasmic pleasure in our vaginas.
Let’s stop normalizing trauma responses and actually learn WHY our vaginas feel so stressed, numbed and traumatized. And what to do about it.
So the solution is not to just focus on our clitoris, but to also awaken the pleasure in our pussies.
Because how absurd and weird is it to tell women it’s normal to not feel that much pleasure during penetration and that they should just focus on their clitoris?
If you don’t feel much pleasure during penetration – why do you have it? To please your partner?
No, my love. You deserve to feel pleasure in your WHOLE body and ALL of your pussy. Because yes, your clitoris is your pearl of pleasure. But it’s just one of many pleasure spots in your body. There’s even more pleasure waiting for you.Your whole body is a pleasure temple.
Don’t just stop with your clitoris. But always start with awakening the outside of your pussy before letting anything enter her.
3. Your arousal needs time.
It can take from several minutes to 20 and more before your pussy is even ready for penetration. And then it can take another 20-40 minutes for you to experience deeper vaginal orgasms.
And the average sex is 3-5 minutes. You do the maths. No wonder many women find it hard to orgasm when their bodies aren’t even fully aroused.
Yes quickies can be hot too, but your pussy usually needs time to open. Don’t skip the foreplay or always make it short. If that happens, your vagina can shut down because she’s entered too early.
So how do you know she’s truly ready?
When she clearly says YES. When she’s super wet, open and INVITING something inside her.
You might feel it when you´re really turned on and your body is literally asking for something to enter. It’s like a pumping or sucking of your vagina, as if she says: you’re invited, come in.
If you’re not sure if you’re ready, it’s a no. As easy as that. You can’t miss a clear yes. So if you’re thinking “am I ready?” you’re clearly not ready. It is a FUCK YES I´M READY vibe.
Our vaginas take time to even want penetration. We need foreplay, and outside stimulation first – of our breasts, hips, inner thighs, vulva.
4. VAGINAL ORGASMS TAKE TIME
Vaginal orgasms like the G Spot, Cervical or A spot orgasm take time. It can for example take up to 40 minutes until you experience cervical orgasms. So the average 3-5 minutes of sex will barely make any woman orgasm vaginally. Or even at all.
Learning to hold back your orgasm as a man is not a luxury, it’s something every man who truly cares about giving a woman pleasure can & should learn.
It also increases the pleasure of you as a man, because the more you let your sexual energy build up without coming, the more intense and fulfilling your orgasm will feel. 3-5 minutes of sex is more like mutual masturbation than sex. Yes quickies can be hot and amazing every now and then, but if this is the average length of your sex, you might want to rethink what sexuality means to you.
It’s really worth learning the skill of holding back your orgasms – and every man can learn it. The amazing thing? It increases both of your pleasure.
It turns mutual masturbation turns ecstatic love making and soul-shattering fucking.
Mmh yes please! When it comes to sex it’s about quality, not quantity. The reason people are addicted to sex or porn is because it doesn’t nourish their soul. Soul-nourishing sex will feel deeply fulfilling – sexually, emotionally, spiritually. And it bonds you with your partner.
You can also learn to come without ejaculating (semen retention) which makes you multi-orgasmic as a man (yes men can be multi-orgasmic too!). This takes some (Tantric) mastery.
5. SLOWING DOWN, THRUSTING, SAFETY AND SURRENDER
Super fast and hard makes it hard to orgasm for most women. Yes it can be super hot, but taking out some speed, going slower and thrusting in the right rhythm unlocks vaginal orgasms. There are certain techniques you can learn to unlock G Spot orgasms or cervical orgasms. Cervical orgasms for example come through soft, repetitive thrusting, like tipping someone on the shoulder. So again, don’t take (most) porn as an example of orgasmic thrusting.
Porn makes you a good wanker, not a good lover.
What women really want is feel safe with men. That’s when we can surrender to our lover in the deepest way. That’s when ecstatic sex begins and you get to experience orgasmic waves that can go on and on. So as a woman, learn to trust men and feel safe in your body. As a man, see how you can support her in feeling safe with you. Surrender to each other.
6. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT
One really big factor for amazing, ecstatic sex that feels orgasmic to BOTH partners is actually knowing and asking for what you want. And this is where many women fail. Often, women don’t even know what exactly turns them on because they haven’t really developed a sexuality with themselves. Or it’s very one-sided. Rubbing your clit the same way you did for the past 5, 10 or 20 years literally trains your body to remember this as the easiest way to come.
The more you explore and expand your pleasure in your body, the more you a) know yourself and what you like b) the more orgasmic you become. Because then you don’t need that one specific touch to orgasm, but you can expand your orgasmic feelings to various ways of touch and various places in your body. Which in turn makes it easier for your lover to give you pleasure, because your pleasure and orgasmic feelings are not tied to one little spot in your body (like your clitoris).
The next step is owning your pleasure and your sexuality. There’s this very common deep seated belief in women that our pleasure doesn’t matter that much and our lust is something shameful.
Learn to own it. Learn to ask for what you desire. Learn to tell your partner your sexy fantasies and what turns you on in bed. Make it sexy and playful to express where and how you’d like to be touched. Contrary to popular belief, men cannot read women´s thought. Then add some horniness and his capacity to read your mind diminishes even more.
Your partner is not responsible for your pleasure. You are. That might trigger or hit hard, but you are responsible for having great sex. And there’s now way around except for saying what you like. If you don’t ask for what you want, you will get what you might not want, as easy as that.
7. STOP FAKING
If you fake orgasms, please stop. You are doing yourself, your relationship, your man and every woman on this planet a massive disservice. I know it can feel frustrating to never come, but then get yourself some support and learn it. Orgasming is a skill that you can learn. Faking is really destructive. It destroys trust, honesty and good sex. Because if you fake coming, you teach your lover to do the exact same thing they always do. Which will neither make you ever come nor make him ever learn how to make you come.
So be honest with yourself and your partner and learn how to have amazing sex where both of you get to experience orgasmic pleasure.
Female sexuality is not that complicated. We just need to learn about it and get real education.
You deserve to live an orgasmic life and have a fulfilled sexuality. Sexual energy is what makes you glow, what gifts you life energy and what gives your life that extra spark. It’s not a luxury, it’s a basic human need.
If you’d like to heal your sexuality, become more orgasmic and create an intimate, loving connection to yourself and your body, check out my courses:
🐆 Pussy Heaven: Course to heal, awaken & re-sensitize your pussy, fall in love with her and restore her otherworldly pleasure and heavenly bliss. A course to make her purrrrr in heaven. More HERE.
🦋 Sacred Metamorphosis: My extensive signature course to awaken your sexuality, completely transform the relationship to yourself & learn all about orgasms, healing, Tantra and self-love. More HERE. (The Live version is currently closed=
🥀 Sexual Alchemy: Closed until 2024. Join the WAITLIST.